Out of Left Field: Hey Tony, can I curse while I kill my dog?

By HOMER PLATE
Humor Columnist — homerplate@highhopesblog.com
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The definition of Hypocrite is Dungy says Lord Homer. Back dog-killers, but go as far as to say you wouldn't hire some one for their foul mouth. Give me a break. (Photo: AP)

It has been a really tough week for one Homer Plate and his little person cousin, Homeo Saucer. As you all know, while I don’t approve, Homer is a world class smack runner using his ice breaker the SS Saucer to ship his goods. After years of being king smack daddy, Homeo was finally busted off the coast of Maine with a pound of smack in one hand, and a one pound lobster tail in the other. He had planned to make a nice filet and do a little buzby on that fateful evening. I think he called it: surf and turf on the “high seas.” Such word play from the little cutey.

While Homeo was being tried by one Pontius Pirate, the most hard nosed judge in the nautical universe, it seems that New York Jets coach Rex Ryan was also being judged for cursing on HBO during a show called “Hard Knocks.” Such an evil thing those bad words. It seems that Pope Tony Dungy doesn’t feel that Rex is fit for a position as head coach in the NFL and has gone so far as to say he wouldn’t hire him. Now that I think about it, I too, have never, ever heard a single person drop an f bomb as Rex did 10 times during the 50 minute show.

I think that if Rex really wants to change his ways and divert his crimes, he needs to leave the NFL and focus his attention on something civil, sweet and cute. No, not Homeo’s “Take Smack..It’s Whack!” monogrammed sweater knitting class at the Moose Lodge in Nantucket, I mean something really cute like torturing defenseless animals over and over and over for at least a few years.

Oh my, it’s like watching a baby humming bird lay his little hiney on the blooming bud of a cherry blossom in Washington in the spring time when I think about those cute little doggie faces slamming against the pavement over and over while blood streams delicately from their ears. And the electrocution of the wee, baby doggies creates a smell that wafts like bacon on a chilly Thanksgiving morning as you roll over and prepare for a wonderful holiday. The beautiful face of fear on a young, household pet as a vicous trained killer dog grasps his neck and slowly squeezes the life out of him reminds me of a cute little girl dancing in her Easter dress in search of that elusive egg during the church Easter egg hunt.

So again I ask, why would Rex Ryan commit such horrible atrocities as dropping f bombs on a show that is on a network you specifically pay for to see such a thing? Why would he yell at grown men to motivate them to achieve a goal they’ve worked their entire lives for when he can simply perpetrate acts that experts say would eventually lead you to become a serial killer? Maybe Lord Tony can float among his clouds and answer that one for us?

There is a word in the English language called HYPOCRITICAL. In the dictionary it should list Tony Dungy as the new definition. It is all fine and well to say that Michael Vick has paid his dues and served his time and now deserves a second chance. But as I stated above, when you really visualize what the 10X’s f bomb Vick really did, you gain a whole new perspective on how sick it really was. To even suggest that Rex Ryan should not be hired for his use of profanity is not only absurd, it shows how ridicules and hypocritical Dungy’s stance on Vick is.

As for Homeo, he plead his case in front of Judge Pirate and also had one of his award winning pies delivered to his chambers prior to sentencing. As the glazed eyed judge read his sentence, Homeo could not hold back the chuckles. He sentenced one Homeo Saucer to two weeks in the county lockup and credited him with time served. It seems Pontius Pirate was a bit “bombed” during sentencing…….and I don’t think he was “f bombed.”

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