Out of Left Field: Everybody needs to step up?

By HOMER PLATE
Humor Columnist — homerplate@highhopesblog.com
_______

Have you ever heard the term “induce vomiting?”  It usually applies when someone accidentally swallows something they shouldn’t.  About twenty years ago, one Homeo Saucer took a big swigg of Dr. Pepper only to find out it was actually Lawn Doctor’s weed killer and they immediately induced vomiting.  They used something medicinal.  I don’t know why they just didn’t give him more dandelion death spray, that surely would have made him puke.

Anyway, if you should happen to nip at the Drano or gargle some gasoline, there is a sure fire way to induce vomiting without having to drive all the way to the ER.

Just tune into any Philly sports media outlet.

First you have the fans.  True scholars of the game of baseball.  Why did we get rid of Cliff Lee?  Holy crap, can you all just please let him go?  They wanted to lock in a solid number three guy for the next three years and they did just that.  OK, so Joe Blanton isn’t going to win the CY Young award this year.  But is the season over?

Look at the positive progression of his stats over the past four years versus that of the rest of the  No. 3’s in the league…enough said.  You have the best pitcher in baseball already (umm…see a lot of perfect games in red before?).  Are you really going to spend another $20 to $25 million on another starter?  I don’t think so.  And for all of you Blanton haters out there, and there are many, Homer predicts that my main man Joe will win many big games down the stretch this fall.

Then we have to address where the Phils are right now.  All the genius “experts” in media have all the answers.  What, by the way, experience do these people bring to the table?   Angelo Cataldi?  Did he play anything?  Of course, he does introduce really disgusting fat dudes and chicks who probably should have invested in some teeth rather than boob jobs at Wing Bowl every year.  I suppose that qualifies him as an expert.

Howard Eskin?  Wait.  He does open Mike Schmidt’s mail (Homer knows this for a fact).  That may qualify him as a baseball expert.  If not, he can always give you the proper postage for letters with more than two pages in the envelope.  Rhea Hughes?  Ugh.  Hey, how about Cuz on the mid-day show?  The one with the cool accent.  Yea, cool.  Can you say “linguistics reject?”

Then there is Mike Missanelli.  He is the new ratings champ (or so he says).  So surely this makes him the resident expert on the Phillies woes.  I think he did bat in the leadoff spot on Penn State’s wiffle ball team his sophmore year.

Homer says they are all overpaid dopes who make stuff up to fill their airtime and we are all suckers for listening.  But hey, I have spent my life waiting for someone to tell me what the best sandwich is in Philly.  And yes, I am getting to my point.

Why are the Phils having a terrible year?  Answer, they’re not.  When did the “Phillies” actually play this year?  No Rollins, Utley, Madson, Durbin, Ruiz, Polanco, Happ and Lidge and now Moyer.  Gee, that’s only your leadoff man (and leader), your best pure hitter and second baseman, your best situational hitter and third baseman, your set up man, your closer and the way undervalued catcher who not only was hitting way better than expected but is widely known to manage a pitching staff as well as any catcher in baseball.

So these media geniuses demand that the rest of the team “step up?”  Step up to what?  You want Gregg Dobbs to turn into Polanco?  If he could do that wouldn’t he have done that ten years ago so he could make more than the 27 bucks, two rolls of bridge tokens and a Slimm Jim he’s making now?  If Homer Had to “step up” he would obviously step up to Bill Gates so he could take the $50 billion and run off with Camden Karen into the sunset.  Damn, now I’m all misty…give me a minute to collect myself.

The point is, if everyone gets healthy (and they slowly are) and Utley can get back with say, 20 games left, then they will win the East and roll through the playoffs like the SS Saucer rolls through the stormy seas off Cape Cod with Homeo at the helm, that smack runnin’ little cutie!  It’s really that simple.  They didn’t build this team to have the best players sit on the bench with gauze on their bodies.

Sure,  you can say that injuries are a part of the game.  Gee, there’s a statement loaded with cerebral fluid.  Yeah, injuries are a part of the game.  You get them, you lose.  Anyone want to tell me that if you took the same position players from the Yankees for the same amount of games they wouldn’t be in the same predicament as the Phils?  If you think not, then I suggest you read the bottle you drank from and it should either say Dewers or Drano.

Yes, the Phils need to make a trade to bolster the bench and maybe add an arm.  But that is because Gregg Dobbs is so bad he was cut and the only reason they brought him back is there was no one else out there.  In honor of the collection of dopes who claim the Dobb’s and Castro’s of the world have to “step up,” Homer has compiled a list of those who need to really  “step up” in their lives:

Nicholas Cage should step up to Gene Hackman (Hey Nick…who’s your God Daddy?)
Barrack Obama should step up to Bill Clinton (Hey Barrack, at least Bill wasn’t destroying the country while scoring with the babes)
George Bush needed to step up to his pop (Just thank God he’s gone)
Could any sane person just step up and be president?
Chris Wheeler should step up and admit he is the nephew of one of the Phillies silent partners so we know why someone so bad has stayed so long.
Anderson Cooper needs to step up and say, “I’d be the weatherman for W-JUNK  in Tampa if my Mom wasn’t Gloria Vanderbilt.”
Halle Berry should step up and admit the only reason she ever got married was because she thought Homer Plate was busy doing chores.

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