Out of Left Field: Phils and Homer’s magic number at 100!

Humor Columnist — homerplate@highhopesblog.com

It’s only 30 games or so into the Philles third run at a World Series. It’s been only three months since the Plate has been free to cast his line into the Homer’s pond of love…with cute little coi fish…aww. Sometimes Homer has a soft spot!

While the Phils have been their typical kick ass, they have been besieged with some potentially devastating injuries. And while 30 games in, a magic number of 100 is a pretty safe bet. OK, for all of you MIT dorks, it’s totally wrong but I need it for my chicks to fit in here. So go play with your calculator with more symbols than Homeo’s voodoo room. I used to have a baby bunny Plate as a pet till that sicko came for Thanksgiving and stole him.

Homer’s magic number is also at 100. This is due to the fact that every smoker he scoops up like a quarter on a rest room floor turns out to be 25? With four now firmly in his grasp, it’s now simply just playin’ everybody and hopin’ nobody gets hurt…kinda like the Phils!

The first to go down for the Phils was Jelly Freakin’ Krimpet. Good old J-Roll has been nursing a calf..wait..that doesn’t sound right..has been attending to an injury to his calf muscle. He is now in the rehab starts phase of his stay on the DL and looks to return soon. In his absence, Shane Victorino has been more than adequate although his average could use a few (50?) points toward the upside.

Leading off for Homer will be Homer’s current flame. Those of you frequent the exploits of the Plate know her as the Satan’s chick. She has the frightening attributes required of a leadoff hitter and should she get called out on strikes, she can summon her creepy ass biker dudes to kick the ump’s ass. I love her cute little back up plan!

Second to go for the Phils was Ryan Madson. This self inflicted wound could prove to be the dumbest move since Homeo Saucer had a fireworks display launched from the deck of the SS Smack while he had 40 tons of the good stuff in the good stuff compartment (what the hell do I look like, some kind of boat room expert?).

As it turned out, Camden Karen happened to be on board and she met with the Admiral and got Homeo out of the jam. All I know from the scuttle butt is she was on board and there was jam involved so I felt there was no need to ask anymore questions. Now on the 45 day disabled list, a set up man will more critical as the season wears on.

Homer’s set up chick is a local WAWAWA checkout babe who longs for the benefit of being the Plate’s starter. But she has an uncanny odor of a deli case the Plate can’t shake. It’s cute and all, but once lunch time is over your woman reekin of swiss cheese is a little weird. She will be two slices from the love shack as long as she wants. Maybe if she busted out in some of those doo wop tunes she’d have a better chance as the Plate is quite the fan of vocalists. Once, Camden Karen did her famous two tooth secret whistle and attracted 39 squirrels, twelve rabbits and a python to the corner of K&A. That was quite a site!

The third to get shot down like a cheap fighter is Brad Lidge. This is far and away the most serious situation facing the Phils this season as addressed in an earlier column. If it turns out Lidge is toast my feeling is they go by committee for the rest of the year. The object will be to get someone hot from the pen and then let them lead the way.

Homer’s newest closer is a 25 year old smoker born and raised in a Jersey beach town named Niki the shell from hot hell. I figure God said if I am goin to have chicks there from the day they turn 16, they better be smokers. A nasty chick on the boardwalk is like steppin in half chewed salt water taffy with both bare feet on a hot sunny day. The upside to that scenario is you do have a snack should your beach day run a little long. Mmm, tasty sticky feet! She’s so hot Homeo has already asked if she’d do some smack runs down the coast with him this winter so she could melt the ice quickening his travel time and upping his profit. Homeo always has his eye on the ball!

The last to go down is Carlos Ruiz. While the injury doesn’t appear on the surface to be all that serious as he is listed as day-to-day, any knee injury to a catcher has to be of some concern. Not too mention the fact that Carlos was so hot to start the season Homer had one eye on the beach babe and one eye on him. The backup crew will be fine for the short term as the Phils lineup certainly doesn’t rely on Carlos’ bat. But his defense and management of the staff is critical as the season and playoffs wear on.

Catching for Homer is one Blue Ice. That’s right, old Blue is lying low behind the Homer Plate just waiting for the rest of the Homer lineup to fall by the wayside. She doesn’t have the biker dudes or the nasty tattoo of Satan’s chick, she isn’t riddled with the stench of 40 cheeses cultivated in the fine cheese making houses of Newark and she doesn’t have the beach body of Niki the shell from hot hell, but what she does have is the eyes deeper than that oil gusher in the gulf and a tattoo of the Phils! I think once she gets herself a tattoo that says “I’m the main course on Homer’s Plate” on her neck she will then move way up the depth chart.



Filed under Homer Plate, Out of Left Field

2 responses to “Out of Left Field: Phils and Homer’s magic number at 100!

  1. john from denver

    Homer i no longer enjoy your writings. You have gotten too wrapped up in your own stories. Step away from your brainchilds and write good humor, c’mon now.

  2. The Dude

    Personally, I think the more offline the Plate is the better. I can get sports reporting anywhere but there’s only one Plate.

    ….speaking of which, be alert rocky mountain high john from denver, I’m thinking you might just be gettin’ some chin music from Homeo Saucer (i.e. back off the Plate!).

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