Out of Left Field: MMM Booze… Will the losers never learn?

By HOMER PLATE
Humor Columnist — homerplate@highhopesblog.com
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The first moron, who had to be tasered to stop his attack on the playing surface. We use "had" loosely. (Photo: AP)

Two nights in a row the Phillies have had their games interrupted by pathetic individuals. The second time came at a very pivotal point in the game as we all know. I am officially taking my stand. For all you liberal, go green, cap and trade pot head Marys out there you are probably best advised to scroll down to the next article about the Flyers’ march to the golf course.

I’ve had it! All day long I listened to commentator after commentator plead the case of the “poor, young, non dangerous boy” who meandered on to the field while his papa jackass sat in the stands. It’s a damn shame that cop didn’t accidentally bust out his 9mm and pop a cap in that punk’s ass. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, the Plate has never, and I mean never, lifted a drink of alcohol to his lips loved by chicks world wide. Thus, I have shoppin’ cart branch (I think it’s actually carte blanche or some crap but who cares) to say what I want.

I personally don’t get it. For all of you tough dudes out there who just drink to get stupid, I have two Plate points I’d like to convey. First, you are already stupid. Second, at your age, your first concern should be of the female loinage that lurk in the tri-state area. While Plate is fully capable of manning all of these women, he is totally cool with each of you over cologned, one too many gold chain wearin, mobster wanna be dopes gettin a nibble from a lady friend.

In the meantime, if you wanna drink to excess, why don’t you and the rest of your c- future lower level executives at an insurance company stay at home so when you get MORE stupid, you can bust out “Broke Back Mountain, Climb Aboard Your Buddy,” the board game and leave us the hell alone! We go to the ball game because we love the game, the team and the atmosphere. You go to the game for the dollar dog and the beer? Well, Plate sees the dollar dog walkin’ with her arm in yours and you need to take that thing to the Vet.

Now for all of you who are mature enough to enjoy a tall, frosty one or three I have no problem with your enjoyment. In fact, I love it because you are the folks who are payin’ the big salaries of the players I enjoy. But when even the Governor says there is no need for the use of a taser on a fan who runs onto the field I just cringe like Homeo when he spots the US Coast Guard approaching the SS Smack.

Have you every wondered why people who are drunk are treated differently than those who commit CRIMES while sober? It really blows my mind.

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2 Comments

Filed under Homer Plate, Out of Left Field

2 responses to “Out of Left Field: MMM Booze… Will the losers never learn?

  1. HoMer Plate

    Column update……amidst all of the excitement of field jumping this week, Camden Karen jumped onto the field at last night’s River Shark’s game. While sprinting across the infield’ she speared a smoken liner and caught Ken Kasaycanusee leanin off 2nd for an easy DP. She ended up going three for five with three doubles and a HoMer. Gotta get the HoMer…it’s night time! When she gets called up to the bigs HoMer is gonna retire in style. Reports say the Yankees are actively persuing a designated hooker.

  2. HoMer

    Correction:
    The above column states that the father of the ass crimpet who got tazed was in the stands. In fact, he was at home at the time of the shockcident. Crimpet, did, however, call and ask if he could run on the field. I apologize for any errors.

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