Out of Left Field: Charlie and Homer both need a closer!

Humor Columnist — homerplate@highhopesblog.com

There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to make a decision that will ultimately either cost him a game or cost him a chick. For Charlie Manuel, the decision is to choose a closer who can get the job done on at least a semi-regular basis and for Homer, the decision is to choose a closer of the female persuasion who will take him back to the promise land of love…wow…that rings of the cheesy writings of my great great grandma, Homeretta.

Just last evening, I was pondering these two dilemma’s when I decided to pop into the local convenience store for some Cuban cigars and cognac to enjoy while I perused the Wall Street Journal later that evening. Turns out, the backwoods, cheesy ass town I was in didn’t carry said merchandise so the Plate would have to suffice with Marlboro and Mountain Dew. While exiting my 2010 lime green Bentley, I accidentally left the golden keys on the front seat and fearing I would be Bentjacked, I instinctively locked the door. Now we have a situation. The Plate is now trapped like a freakin rat outside of a store that must sell a lot of do wop crap cause even the Plate can’t for the life of him figure out why you would name a store WaWaWa.

As I waited for the Bentley rescue team to arrive, I decided to call upon an old source of information for the me to solve both closer dilemmas. My third cousin, who happens to be a little person, is my trusted source of all things life when answers are few and far between. So I put a call into Homeo Saucer. The little Plate, I should add is also an interesting character himself. For the past 37 years, Homeo has been running smack out of Greenland. Now while most folks delve into such unsavory tasks by zooming around in Miami Vice type speed boats via the clear blue waters of Columbia, crafty little Homeo takes the leisurely ice breaker route down the coast to the tip of Cape Cod where he unloads his happy junk to his crew. When you think about it, would the DEA really suspect that a little person standing on the bow of an ice breaker singing the National Anthem could be an international type drug tycoon? They actually run very fast in the opposite direction…you go Homeo!

Homeo suggested to me that Charlie, while waiting for Lidge to recover from multiple surgeries veer far, far away from the hard throwing set up man, Ryan Madson. Madson has proven up until now that the even if being made to stay awake for three weeks, he couldn’t even close his eyes. Yet Charlie keeps going and going and going to him like that damn pink battery bunny that the Plate accidentally blew away with a 30 odd 6 while hunting Boar in the Soviet Republic of Savanna, Georgia. I wholeheartedly agree! Danys Baez has proven in 2003.4 and 5 that he can get the job done in the ninth. In 2005 he nailed down 41 saves. Hell, this guy is so good he pluralised his first name! Hmm…Homers Plate…could the ladies of the world take more than one Homer?

Baez should easily handle the gig until Lidge returns and we find out whether he is Brad Lidge or…I’d rather not even think about it. On to the important stuff! My little smack runnin Yoda suggested that I too, think long and hard about what lady friend is best to close out the days of the Plate. It seems that Homer has stumbled upon two 24-year-old smokers. While dangerous to the heart, it’s fun, fun, fun in Homerville right about now. With the exception of the frozen Bentley at the doo wop shop.

As you Plate faithful are keenly aware, the latest slick chick to land on the plate is blue ice. The lady who loves all things Phils is sure to make the Plate debate more exciting then when in the 2nd Presidential election Tommy Jefferson said to Big John Adams on national tv, “Big John, you are no George Washington.” Wow, lucky Homer had CNN that night! Homer’s current lady, and a fine crazy thing in her own right, is facing stiff competition from her new found nemesis.

Not one to pull any punches, and who would after 37 years of stuffing smack up the butts of lobsters, Homeo suggested what would be most important when trying to decide what chick to pick for luvin through the next few decades. Homeo is very familiar with clear blue water and relayed the possibility of young blue eyes guiding me to the fridge after and evening of frolicking with those schweet little lasers. Think of Rudolph on Christmas Eve, he says. Homer had a quick visual of Ice donning one of those fancy little Victoria Secret Santa suits and leading me to the fridge. Hmm, she’s nearly a lock!

He also suggested that the current Homer loaner, with her mischievous Satan’s house tattoo, could immediately dispatch a crew of biker dudes to stand guard of the Bentley and the Plate at house of bologna blues. Now having this resource at her disposal is surely a valued asset, along with her valued asset. Ya know, I really think I know how Charlie feels. Maybe at the end of the day both of us should look back to our high school sweetheart and go with the one who started the damn thing in the first place. So it’s Kyle and Heather at the end of this story. And as for the Bentley, some smooth talkin 380 pound dude with some tools that look like he could perform an appendectomy with saved the day and rescued the Plate who then motored home with a cig in one hand and an ice cold Dew in the other. No, ya can’t have a sip ya weirdo.


1 Comment

Filed under Homer Plate, Out of Left Field

One response to “Out of Left Field: Charlie and Homer both need a closer!

  1. Satan's Rebel

    Ice melts. She better stay in the North pole with her toys and reindeer games!

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