Out of Left Field: 5th Starter old vs. young and Homer’s parallel dillema!

Humor Columnist — homerplate@highhopesblog.com

Photo: Jennifer Zambri-Dickerson

It seems that the Phils have made up their minds. Regardless of the fabo spring that Kyle Kendrick is having that 47-year-old Jamie Moyer will be the 5th man in the rotation to begin the season.

Is this decision based on the amount of money owed to him or just a chance to let him prove he won’t be able to do it so he doesn’t have another one of his whine and dine with the media sessions in the 200 Level at Wrigley Field?

It is very ironic that Homer is going through a very similar situation. Ya see, Homer has recently hit a single and is now back fending off the love muffins like Leo Decaprio doing a naked baking show on the Food Network.

And while some of Homer’s muffins are a bit well done, Homer also has a rookie leaguer on deck (yea, Eagles fans, I said DECK) that is presenting a Phillies type dillema. I think that both of these decisions should be made for the right reasons and keep in mind both decisions could result in a lot of scoring. Hopefully less for the Phils and more for the Plate!

So let’s evaluate each player based on their merits and see how it all pans out. Jamie Moyer has earned the opportunity to compete for a spot in the rotation. Now we all know that ladies across the land LFTL (long for the loins) of Homer Plate, but for the sake of this nonsensical rant, we will just use two of the those on the top of the Homer Sweetie Leader Board.

Jamie is now 47-years-old and that doesn’t bode well for major league pitchers. How long can he be expected to hit the corners and stay away from the middle of the plate with that 75 mph fastball? Homer’s 44-year-old, second on the leader board, while quite a fine physical specimen, has been banged around more than Ringo Star’s first drum.

25-year-old Kyle Kendrick, on the other hand, has appeared to develop that third pitch that will take him from been there seen that to hmm, what’s coming next. Homer’s junior cutie, a spry 24 year old herself, has also developed a third pitch. I don’t know what the hell it is, I’m not sure whether it’s because it’s always dark or because the young buckette has Homer nappin half the time. Funny thing though, she is always wild and always on the plate, a tough skill for a even a rookie league pitcher!

Kendrick has also had a great spring training and proven that he is worthy of consideration for the job. Homer’s Junior cutie has also had a fabo spring. Not only has she padlocked the door to Homer’s love nest, she proved that Homer can go nine innings with the same bat!

Jamie Moyer, on the other hand, and we all fear implosion year after year, just goes out time and time again and nonchalantly wins his fifteen games. Sure, he tends to wear down after the seventh inning stretch, but Homer’s 44 year old “lady friend” also struggles with the 7th ining stretch mark. And the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 8th, and 9th.

It remains to be seen whether or not Kendrick will have the same success when the real games begin and he is pitching against complete, well built lineups. Homer’s junior cutie, however, has already proven she will not have any problem against the big bat of one Homer Plate. That is why she has won the battle for every spot in the Plate rotation.

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Filed under Homer Plate, Out of Left Field

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