Out of Left Field: Homer Nails It! I know what you boys are thinkin’

By HOMER PLATE
Humor Columnist — homerplate@highhopesblog.com
_________

There is one thing that I’ve learned during my illustrious career in the world of sex, drugs and those creepy flavored Tootsie Rolls, it’s that when I smell a hint of mischievous behavior, I am right a solid 10-15% of the time. Like my cousins down in Wheeling West Virginia Dik Digger and Paper Plate always say, “Dags gonnit…that Homer learns us more than when Getrude Gums meets us with her textbook behind the bowlin’ alley.”

What I would like all of you to do is go back to my diddy entitled “The Final Conclusion to the Tiger Saga,” and peruse the 3th paragraph. Ya see, for the rest of Tiger’s career he will forever be full of the proverbial crap in my book. He boned more babes than my fish monger boned Homer’s favorite cut of rustic salmon balls otherwise known as caviar and then gave us that press conference that I can say without question, was all LIES!

And how do I come to this brilliant conclusion that the general public won’t? Homer’s varied career which includes a stint as a podiatrist in the Swiss Alps (I once gave the entire Swedish Bikini Team a simultaneous pedicure….not an easy feet when you consider they were tossin jello at one another…those little cuties), a short but successful career in the adult film industry (see my five part DVD “Homer’s Plate is Full of Ladies, episode one…that’s where I do the scene from the 80’s classic film “Breakin” but dudes, I’m not spinnin on my elbow!) as well as a creator and marketer of PGA events that generated money for charity. See, Homer has a sweet spot…awwwwww.

As I mentioned in that past column, the PGA Tour schedule is divided into sections, the West Coast Swing, the Florida Swing, etc. The first section has very few top ranked players and the second section gets pretty heated up at Doral. This is because the players want to begin their Masters tune ups. Tiger plays limited events (until they made the money bigger) up until the Masters like the rest of the top guys.

So when he sat up there looking like Tiger Howell the Third in that stupid looking sport coat saying “I thought I was entitled,” blah blah blah, yea, Homer is entitled to as Marvin put it…”Let’s Get it On” with 88 top shelf smokers too, the only difference is I’m entitled cause my package is guaranteed overnight by all the major carriers while all Tiger offers is a billion bucks and a boat that would make Noah dab a freakin tear. For the record, Homer has a canoe with a skanky ass moldy life jacket, very sexy in the fall.

Ya see, all of that crap was a facade. Tiger may have visited Doctor Dick Wankerstien about his sexual addiction (and for those of you who follow my tweets I finally caught that disease and stood naked on 476 South waitin for lovin…didn’t get any lovin but my ass did stick to the squad car seat and Betty Bubba Big Shank’s niece Betty Bubba Big Butt Bitchslap did offer me her services to which I politely declined), but his addiction is to making money and making us think he is sorry for his sick, pathetic cheating ways.

By returning to the Master’s, Tiger is clearly showing that he is back in the game (that he never really left) and now we are all supposed to get back on his bandwagon. Well, while I supported his right to privacy, I will now say that the man who has the potential to be the greatest athlete of any generation is just another pathetic, lying, marketing driven scumbag. And that is very sad. He didn’t change his schedule one bit.

All he had to do was stay single.

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