Out of Left Field: It’s almost here!

BY HOMER PLATE, Humor Writer

Careful Jess, Homer is a loaded weapon!

Well, we are just hours away from the first “game” of the year (ok, so it’s almost a hundred hours away, but I can’t help it if you can’t afford a fine, Swiss timepiece like Homer that shows the amount of hours it is till Thursday?). Speaking of my time piece, it’s the same one (Tag) that Tiger has. Funny…Tiger, piece, tag, all synonymous with the recent sexploits of our fair weathered, long drivered friend.

But for today, I’m staying away from the Homer’s horndog target to focus on the good stuff, real live baseball games. Eee gad zooks, did I just ignore 27 smokers over a bunch of dudes wearing stupid socks? Now I’m hearing the Mammies and the Pappies singing “on my way to San Francisco.” Oh well, guess I better lobby harder for the “don’t ask don’t tell I touched the field bat” legislation.

As you are all not surprised, my mind drifted there for a moment. This Thursday at 1pm, One Roy Halladay will take the mound (oh my could I drift back to Tiger) for the first time in Phillies garb. At least for a few, short minutes we will get to delve into what will be the game one match up for the 2010 World Series. You will just have to imagine the smell of Thanksgiving turkey and snowflakes that will be present when the real thing happens.

This should also allow the Cliff Lee fan club and the Joe Blanton haters to finally go back in their holes and read about baseball. Or, they can fly to LA, go on Wheel of Fortune and buy a clue. Cause when Super Boy the Roy Toy mows em down like Tiger’s weed whacker five minutes after his sex addiction therapy session, I know I will be looking ahead.

We will also get to see for the first time “Placebo” Polanco defending the hot corner with a vengeance not seen since he jumped in front of his wife to block her view when he saw the Plate strollin’ down the beach in his Speedo. Speakin’ of Homer in a Speedo… I recall one day I was on the beach in LA when my weary eyes stumbled upon Jessica Biel and her swim trunks were knocked off by a wave. For some odd reason my Speedo snapped off my body and slapped an elderly women in the head so hard she had to visit the Keith Primeau-Eric Lindros Head Trauma Center. I don’t know what made me recall that?

Everyone says Placebo will be fine with the mitt. I too, feel the same way. I recall seeing rag arm Wright in the All Star game last year make a deep throw from first and I think the first baseman caught it ten minutes after the game ended. I know Placebo doesn’t have Pedro’s arm, but it’s not all that bad.

It will also be interesting to see how the lineup depth fares. Teams around the league have to be sick with what they will have to face this year. I am also glad that all of the nit pickers out there who say they need middle relief, bench help, blah blah blah..will very soon see that this team is far better than last year and we will see that in just a few, short….days….ya poor Timex wearin’ schmoes!


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