BY HOMER PLATE, Humor Columnist
Wondering how your favorite Phillies might fare in 2010? Homer has your answers:
Jimmy- Upon hearing from Lord Homer that his new nickname has been changed to “Jelly Freakin’ Crimpet”, fans throughout the game toss the delightful flaky cake with the sweet tasty filling at him each time he takes the field. He demands that the grounds crew deliver said snackchandise to his locker and by the All-Star break he balloons up to 873 pounds. After a fire crew is needed to break his wall down to get him to the fat clinic, he appears on the Discovery Health reality show called “J-Roll: The 873 Pound Jelly Freakin’ Crimpet”. Losing his mind, he starts talking like fat bastard and during a day-night doubleheader accidently swallows Carlos Beltran as he tries to steal second. He is subsequently charged with man slaughter but pleads to a lesser charge of man chowder and leads the Phils to their third World Series appearance. During the celebration he announces his retirement claiming he has made 400 million bucks in his new restaurant selling his secret recipe of fried flounder with pine tarter sauce.
Chase- Chase will have his typical monster Chase year. However, an incident will play out during the first home stand that will greatly impact the season. In an effort to get into scoring position in the bottom of the 9th, he steals second base with two out. Upon reaching second, he jams both wrists into the bag and flips up onto his greasy head and slides, on his head, all the way across the outfield, up the tunnel, out onto I-95, up 476 to the Turnpike, to Route 70 until he finally slows down and crashes into the BAA (Big Ass Arch) in St. Louis. As the Phils only have one remaining game in the home stand, Chuck tells Chase to ice down his head and wait for the team to arrive there for a three game set with the Cards. Turns out, the Phils lose the next game and luckily pull out a last day win by a half a game to clinch the division.
Ryan- Ryan finishes the season with 50 homers and 166 RBI’s. There is one odd game glitch the day after the All-Star Game. Turns out Ryan is so pumped after winning the mid season classic with a grand slam in the 7th, he walks into the club house the next game and screams “JUST GET ME TO THE PLATE, BOYS!” Well, knowing he’s the team leader but not understanding his logic, Chase, Shane and Crimpet all jump into an SUV and drive their fearless leader over to Homer Plate’s place and drop him off. I, of course, welcome him in for some wings and pizza. We enjoy the game and then some crazy Yugoslavian porn that features only chicks and odd looking animals with scales? I would not usually partake in the pleasures of the reptilier, but eek, while borderline creepy, I found it mildly soothing. I think it was called Chick Dundee the Crock Humper for all of you with a Netflix account. You can find it under the “degenerate — serial rapist” tab.
“Placebo”- Turns out our newest addition enjoys helping with local medical research. Must have something to do with his first name. With Viagra and Cialis sales skyrocketing, he enters a clinical trial for a new drug called “bats near my balls.” Thinking how neat it is that they named a drug after baseball, he begins taking the drug and unfortunately does not get the placebo. He ends up with a 40 game suspension for using two bats during the game greatly hampering the Phils lineup. Just prior to the suspension he does manage do dress up like a lady and successfully manages a drag queen bunt with the lower bat and a two run double with the upper bat. When Mariana Rivera tries to throw at him in the bottom of the ninth he is immediately ejected. He and his manager fervently argue he was simply trying to kill two birds with one ball.
Cole- In Coles first start, after a overthrown ball by “Placebo”, Cole throws both hands up in anger and his glove flies off landing squarely on Placebo’s field bat. Upon retrieval, Cole informs the infield that this in no way implies that Major League Baseball has lifted it’s “don’t ask, don’t tell anyone that I touched Placebo’s field bat” policy. Over his next 15 starts, each time he takes the mound at opposing ball parks he is greeted with the chants “field bat in the bung Cole,” which leads our formerly fearless but now seemingly San Francisco Giant into a semi nervous breakdown. Nearing the edge of complete self destruction, the rest of the team dresses up like Madonna prior to the start of a game and sings Madonna’s first hit “Halladay,” which Cole interprets as a stab at his metrosexual look and now number two position in the rotation. With this, he calls his plastic surgeon and has his face completely redone to look like Chan Ho Park and his butt to look like CC Sabathia’s. After back-to-back-to-back no hitters and another World Series MVP, he is greeted accidentally, during the post game pile-up on the mound, by Placebo’s field bat and he will be expecting his first child during spring training of 2011.