BY HOMER PLATE, Humor Columnist
Ah, that cold February nip is in the air. The snow drifts gracefully from the sky as Homer prepares his annual Super Bowl feast of wings, hand cut fries and his super secret recipe garlic bread. Any and all of you can join me for a low price of $18.95 a person. Did ya think I was gonna let you come for free, ya grubben bastards?
This year’s game will feature two fabulous quarterbacks and I should warn all of you, hide your dogs, our buddy Mike isn’t one of them. Along with the most exciting match up we have seen in a long, long time, this year’s festivities will also play a role.
For a lot of folks, the big game’s commercials are just as interesting and fun than the game itself. This year, however, the entire ad world has been turned on its head by a pro-life ad featuring former Florida QB Tim Tebow. Now, many pro-abortion groups are demanding that CBS pull the ad as there has been a historical precedent set that doesn’t allow for social cause ads during the big game.
Let’s dig a little deeper here and see if we can get all of this straight. On one hand, we will be bombarded with ads for erectile disfunction. Then we will see the pro-life ad, and maybe, a pro-choice ad. Why not combine the three, add a car ad and make it more realistic. They could have the happy hubby load up on Cialis rocket launchers, head over to the little lady’s house in a new Ford, raise the flag pole, and BOOM, baby time. Then they could run the ads showing why Ms. Tebow made such a beautiful choice by having Tim and show him holding up the Heisman with a little pewter missile ready to launch his love potion number 15 into the clouds of love.
Then they could have an ad with Ms. Vick saying if only she had visited Planned Parenthood the once present barking in her neighbors backyard would still waft gracefully over the Carolina countryside.
My point is, if we are so bombarded with the need to walk around with dangerous dongs, then why not show both options should our drone relayed missile strikes make the big score. I should also make it perfectly clear that my nearly permanent Homer Boner will cause no ill will. While a formidable weapon in its own right, Homer shoots more blanks than an 82nd Airborne training exercise.
I also think that there will be more and more of these obnoxious ads and sponsorships in the years to come. While not appearing this year, the Viagra National Anthem has been prepared. Homer has procured a copy of the original lyrics:
Oh say can you see, that it’s really hard for me to pee.
And so proudly I wailed, as I zipped my pants and the monster was jailed.
With broad sides and bright balls, I can no longer go to any malls.
And my rockets red glare, the dud bombs landing every where
Gave proof through the night, that my six week boner was still there
Oh say does that six week bo.. oh oh oh ner yet work…erk
O’er the butt …..of Betty Bubba….. and the homer of the PLAAAAATE.