[Ed. Note: Homer Plate’s Out of Left Field is one of the most popular High Hopes features. Homer’s logic isn’t always too clear, but he always promises to provide a good laugh.]
BY HOMER PLATE, Humor Columnist
Well, to all of you who can’t distinguish between a urinal and a sink (see my past Tiger nibbles here and here), it looks like the final nuggets of the Tiger story have finally made their way to the media hungry world, and the saga has ended. I must say, before drawing my final conclusions, that in Tiger’s world of blond and Swedish bustlines, there was not a lot of saga goin’ on! Dag, he got more ass than J-Lo after three boxes of Munchkins.
I still continue to wholeheartedly support Tiger and feel that none of this is anyone’s business. For the past ten years he’s been all good and ruled the athletic world with his driver. Now that little Swiss Miss decided to give him a wedge wedgie it’s all fun and gossip. I will stand by my position that until clear (preferably hi-def) video of some of his lady friends surfaces, this is just unsubstantiated rumors. If video (Blu-Ray would rule!) that included his girls acting together (just to save the clutter of so many different dvd’s you sicko’s) then I would have to maybe rethink my position.
There is one really important part of this entire mess that has me a bit concerned and may lessen my complete support for Tiger. As a golf guru (Homer is the guru of all things), I am very leery of this “time off to get my Tiger paw on ice” thing he’s got going on. For all of you non-golf fans, up until Easter, the golf season is like preseason football. There’s a lot of balls flyin around but no real shaft. I have no idea what I just said there. Anyway, my point is, if Tiger just happens to be able to “return to the game he loves” just in time to play the Masters, then the whole break thing was just a lie to maybe save his sponsorships. That would make me sick.
He pretty much does that every year anyway. So the non golfing public wouldn’t even realize it. He would just take his stiff shaft to the first tee, smack one down the middle, and all is back to normal. Now that I think about it, that’s what got him in this predicament in the first place.
The Tiger story has been a fine line as far as I’m concerned. Yes, taking off is a story. Losing sponsors is a story. Learning what his text messages were is not a story. And on second thought, even the sponsors are not a story. Here we go again with how much money this will cost him. Trust me, if you ever find yourself feeling even remotely bad for a guy with more D-cups than the Hostess factory and $500 million in cash, you really need to re-evaluate your situation.
I myself will simply focus on the golf angle. I have learned recently that if he does in fact return to play before Easter, this may be integral in his turning his life and career around and ridding himself of a sex addiction, which I have been trying to catch since I was a little baby Plate.
It seems there is a caddy at Augusta National named Sir Jonathan Bates who has counseled other golf pro’s on life’s woes. If Tiger can spend a few quality hours getting to know and learn his techniques, he may rid himself of his affliction. The media will both admire and celebrate his dedication to making himself a better person and the headlines will read as follows:
Masters and Bates = a Fresh Start for Tiger!
Just a few more weeks till pitch and catch baby!