BY HOMER PLATE, Columnist
Ahhhhhhh!! I could end the column right there. It’s like a total catharsis. I remember when I did a 12-year bit for extortion and money laundering and Betty Bubba Big Shank took a fancy to my pantsy and demanded some lovin’ I was scared to death. But then I realized when it was over that it was better to feel the love and the pain of being jailhouse rocked for the first time than to never have loved before. That’s how I feel today about Donovan McNabb. It’s finally over. An eleven year affair that brought tears and tears and tears and tears and well, you get the picture.
For all of you that are going to give me all of the arguments that they never gave him the weapons he needed to succeed, keep in mind that I got twelve years and I never had a weapon. But now that I think about it, Betty Bubba had a weapon and I will probably never forget it. Some of you will also toss around the stats that show his great QB ratings. This guy never throws interceptions, says all my Jimmy the Geek friends.
I got an email today from the National Association for the Prevention of the Squashing of Unsuspecting Worms and they are celebrating the 97 innocent lives that will be saved next year at Lincoln Financial Field. My point is, if his receivers can’t catch the ball, how the hell are the D-backs supposed to catch it? We can argue all we want about the success and failures of Mr. McNabb, and believe me, I love the guy. He showed nothing but class and dignity while he was here. But I base my phandamonium on rings, not almost, not let’s get em next year, not hey Betty Bubba, can I offer you a cigarette after, it’s all about rings.
So it is with great pleasure that I end the pain and suffering of all of us and usher in the Kevin Kolb era. I really don’t need to be specific in detailing McNabb’s season. Just think of it as a Seinfeld episode. You have seen it many, many times and the ending never changes.
I also hope that I have seen the last of “Mike” Vick. When did he stop becoming Michael? That doesn’t sound tough enough? Come on Mikey, we know you are tough. You can take a weak, defenseless animal and torture and kill it. You are the man. And since you made it perfectly clear that “95 percent of people couldn’t go through what you went through,” I suppose you are right. I’m trying to think about something more tough than Snoop Slammy Dog’s difficult life. Hmm…how about my whining, pathetic Mom. Blah, blah, blah, my son is dead! Yea Mom, I’ve heard it all before. My goofy, trick playin’ brother. He left after my father walked out on seven young kids to join the Army and volunteer for Vietnam so the extra combat pay would help the family. It also helped get my brother killed at the ripe old age of 18. Get over it Mom. Once, “Mike” got scratched throwing a chi-wawa over the fence in his back yard. Ah, my sister in law, battling breast cancer just two years after watching her brother succumb to cancer at the ripe old age of 40. Come on sis, next year you will sign a $1 million contract at the local Stop and Shop and all will be right in the world. Wow, these people are really silly with their petty complaints, aren’t they? No one could go through what Mr. Vick went through.
Homer is very mentally drained now, so I’m gonna move on to next year. The Bird’s will finally have the passer that is made for this system, and Donovan will finally be able to play in a system that he is built for. Both will have massive success. And as for Puff Doggy, who the hell cares.