Out of Left Field: $20 Mill….$22 Mill Hmmmm…just a few bucks???

BY HOMER PLATE, Columnist

As we all sit here and drool over the possibility of having the best pitcher in baseball locked up for four years (actually, I’m drooling over the possibility of my favorite porn site giving me a free month subscription for December….I think the promotion is called “From Our Yule Log To Yours” or something, but I will update you on that later) I would like to shed some light on the dollars being tossed around.

It amazes me how we throw around the words $20 million a year. Having some past experience with money ( I beat my sister in Monopoly in 1988), I would like to put in perspective what $20 million a year for 3 years really means.

Let’s assume that Halladay has already earned a cool $50 million during his career. Now we add $75 million for the next four years. That is a total of $125 million large. Besides being able to buy more naked chicks and drugs than all of us put together, and I’m not talkin bout Camden Karen and two bottles of cough syrup here, I’m talkin about Congressman quality hookers and great coke, the number are truly staggering.

Here is how his money breaks down. After taxes, he would net give or take about $50 million. Yep, almost half to the tax man and a big chunk to agents and lawyers. Now, before you get all teary eyed and start dialing up Camden Karen, let me show you how $50 million really works.

First he would take about $10 mill to buy some homes, cars and other fun stuff and just have some cash for a rainy day. Then, he would get himself around $25 million in municipal bonds which would pay him about $750,000 a year tax free for many, many years. That’s right, about $60,000 a MONTH just to get out of bed….oh, and did I mention that he never touches the $25 million? Now, there is still $15 million floating out there in his wallet. Put $10 mill of that in the market for long term and the last $5 mill would be in US government bonds just in case everything blew up. Also, those US bonds would toss another $20,000 a month into the income basket but he would have to pay taxes on that! Damn, life sucks!

So there ya have it, $80,000 a MONTH rollin in and you still keep your money. Sucks to have that kind of cash, huh.

If he is really smart, he would take some advice from the Son of Shep and get himself a few poodles, some jumper cables and a hose and he could generate himself some back up quarterback money as well.

OK, back to baseball. I’ve taken my weekly Vick shot and will give my opinion on the impending deal. I would have to say that Halladay is much better mechanically than Lee. When Lee had his implosions last year, while rare, it was simply a matter of Lee not being able to locate.
When you watch Halladay pitch, it’s like art. Very calm delivery and his ball has more movement than Shakira on meth. Oh crap, Shakira on meth, that gets my chestnuts roasting and there isn’t an open fire around for miles. That breaking stuff is what really comforts me about him vs. Lee. Career wise, Lee hasn’t thrown nearly the innings that Halladay has. But as I said, there is a big difference in being a world class junk baller rather than trying to knock a gnat off a batter’s ass with gas for six years. Eventually, be it years or just over a long season, you will get tired. I once tried to spend a week with Shakira on meth and after two days I felt like a stray dog who wandered into Vickey pooh’s back yard (sorry for shot number two at our celebrated backup QB).

Everyone is also bringing up whether or not Halliday can perform in the post season? Would you mind if I use Shakira here again as an example? After watchin those hips swirl like a Baskin Robbins blizzard, do you have any doubts she’d be a dud in bed? Hell, she would raise more tents then the annual boy scout trip to that creepy ass island in the middle of the Delaware.

So after all is said and done, I think that this is a great move for the Phils. If Lee wants to go for the extra money (haha) then so be it. Big Roy obviously wants to put a nice, gaudy ring on his finger and hopefully two or three. And with that 80k a month rollin in, he can get Shakira off meth.

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3 Comments

Filed under Homer Plate, Out of Left Field

3 responses to “Out of Left Field: $20 Mill….$22 Mill Hmmmm…just a few bucks???

  1. Cordwacko

    Homer’s analogies are the best ones ever put in a column!

  2. Mike

    I’m rather positive Homer is the greatest columnist to walk the earth.

  3. mike

    this is very informing up to date and homer must have some time on their hands

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