Out of Left Field: Tiger update

BY HOMER PLATE, Contributor

For those of you who read my previous work of blogorial art (hey, some compudork made up the word “blog,” so that gives me carte blanche to make up blogorial) regarding the Tiger Woods situation, and as the story has evolved, it appears that Tiger has been experiencing a lot more wood than the Swiss Miss would like, so  I think I need to revisit the situation.

First, let me be clear that my position has not changed (but it appears that Tiger’s position changes quite often) I still believe that Tiger has a private life and what goes on there is his business and his alone. Just because he has enough potential wives to ensure a Senatorial seat from the great state of Utah, doesn’t give us the right to learn every little detail. Although, I have to admit, some video probably wouldn’t hurt things.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is while Tiger has done his best to portray himself as the squeaky clean superstar, we again have to revisit the question, on what part of these peoples lives do we judge? Remember, Tiger’s lifetime goal is to beat Jack Nicklaus’ record for major wins. That is a massive goal. If his other goal is to score with every hottie east of the Mason-Dixon Line, then so be it. And not to brag, but Wilt Chamberlain and I have both been with over 20,000 women. Wilt, of course, claimed to have slept with them. I just attend the National Organization for Women’s annual march in Washington, but hey, that counts.

We are faced with all types of criminals in sports. I’m gonna stay away from Charles “pooch” Manson for today as he had a decent game yesterday and all is good in the Eagles world. Please pause for a moment while I vomit.

There have been NFL players with major felonies on their records and they are treated like royalty. I’m sure, in a few years, when Plaxico gets out, if a team is in need of a receiver he will get a job. Hell, he should teach Tiger how to take a few slugs down the trousers and maybe a few holes in the old one iron would calm his ass down for awhile.

Just because Tiger has completed more loads than the entire history of Tide laundry detergent doesn’t lower him to the level of felon, sports gambler or game fixer. And these are the things on which we need to focus. For all of you Eagles fans out there, that was me not ending a sentence with a preposition.

There may be a need for me to follow up on this as the situation warrants. So I want all of you to just sit back, wipe the beer drool off your mouth, and if any photo’s appear, I will take a few days alone, naked, to analyze them for content and clarity And if I feel that they meet the requirements of proper journalistic integrity, I will post them immediately.

In the meantime, only a few short weeks till pitchers and catchers!

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3 Comments

Filed under Homer Plate, Out of Left Field

3 responses to “Out of Left Field: Tiger update

  1. Dylan Zaccaria

    Ya gotta love the subtle sexual innuendo, very classy.

  2. broker89

    Sexual innuendo? Just one? I kept this chock full of feline love for the man named Tiger. Besides, when writing about him now it’s very hard to not let it all hang out…did I say “hard?” Did I say “Let it all hang out?”
    HoMeR

  3. Pingback: Out of Left Field: The final conclusion to the Tiger saga « High Hopes: Philly Sports

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