BY MATTHEW NADU, Contributor
It’s been one hell of a year for the Philadelphia Phillies in 2009. There’s no denying this. Dare I say this is arguably the greatest era, even decade, for the Phightins. But this isn’t about what the team accomplished (or didn’t accomplish) in the year that was. We’re already looking ahead to 2010.
And as it is a New Year tradition we must make some resolutions.
This year however I’ve put my own aspirations aside- getting a six pack while still being able to finish an entire case of beer; not ponies but pounders, and listening to my girlfriend for more than 15 seconds, since they’ll only last about a week (let’s be honest yours won’t last much longer.)
Instead, in 2010 I’ve taken the liberty of putting a list of resolutions together for the Phils as they enter the next chapter of their illustrious franchise.
6. The “Chasedo”
Nothing says slick fielding second baseman like the slick back and no one has perfected the “do” like Chase Utley. It’s right up there with Elvis and Conon O’Brian in the hairdo Hall of Fame. The Chuck Norris of hairdos, if you will. The damn thing’s flawless, the way it glistens in the light, how the gallon of gel never lets a hair break free. It’s quite possibly the eighth wonder of the world. With the success Chase has had throughout his career maybe some of the other guys should jump on the wagon and slick it back already.
5. The Death of Comcast SportsNet
For the love of Chuck, please stop the monopoly! Comcast cable is trash. High prices, crappy free movies and the only provider that offers Phillies game. Sure there’s the occasional MyPHL 17 ballgame but come on, why can’t I see the Wild Thing or Ricky Bo on Direct TV? As a potential resolution to actually save some money next year, don’t make me drop it before the first cable bill.
4. The Bridge to Now Where
Really Brad? There’s so much I want to say, but you’re such a nice guy it makes it too hard. Just get your damn pitch back, or any pitch for that matter. It was like watching Henry Rowengartner out there. One minute you’re untouchable the next you’re 0-8 with a rock bottom 7.21 ERA. At least if you broke your arm we’d have some sympathy. Heaven help us if we face King Albert in the postseason. Come on brotha. Let’s get it together.
3. Cole Hamlet
Cole Hamels was like a Shakespearean tragedy in 2009. It was a horror story of self pity, blame and a flat fastball. You had the chance to be an ace, at 24-years old! Not saying you still can’t but you’ll have to wait four years. First step in regaining your confidence, take a glob of Chase’s gel, slick your mane back and rock and fire. You’ve been all the way at the top and all the way to the bottom and we liked you better on top. I think you did as well. If the Mummers can avoid having their balls batted around for wearing dresses while prancing on Broad Street, you can hit the hill once every five days and avoid getting yours batted around too.
2. Halladay Swap
We’ve heard the reasons and we’re still confused with the trade. No lies this year, but promise us Roy Halladay will be as badass as Cliff Lee. No lies just promise us.
1. He can “make a Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.”
Hardly Hova. Although Jay-Z is the self proclaimed King of New York, Derek Jeter and the Yankees proved without a doubt they are the kings of the Big Apple and Major League Baseball. Unfortunately that crowning came at the hands of the Phillies. That’s it. That’s the last decade of success. Next year the Phils will start their run as baseballs bad boys. So we don’t have a theme song or a parrot mascot that sells cocaine to players or juice options in the dugout that don’t come in a Gatorade cup, but my God we’re still the King of Cheesesteaks, so why can’t we be the kings of baseball too?
So please Phils, do it for all the fans who have already given up on our own resolutions, because it’s easier to put the burden on you.