Gallner: The 5 stages of home sweeps by crappy Canadian teams

BY MAX GALLNER for Phillie Phanatics

This post can help you get past the pain and grief we suffered this week against the Blue Jays.

1. BARGAINING
This stage actually occurs after anger, with denial coming first. In fact, it occurs before the game even ends. When Barajas hit that homer in the top of the 9th and you realized that they blew another game they should’ve won, is when it started for you. You attempt to make a deal with a higher power to get the Phillies to win. You may say, “I’ll buy the full season ticket package next year if they could just win this game,” or “I’ll go to every home game the rest of the season,” or “I’ll do that weird thing where I buy a Phillies urn or casket for myself!”

2. DENIAL
This is the stage where you say, “What?!?!? No! This can’t be happening to us! We’re WFC! Who are they? Toronto Blue Jays? What have they done since 1993? NOTHING!!!” You may have turned on your TV last night expecting a game, even though they played yesterday afternoon. You may have been set up to live-Tweet the game, as well, but when you went to Phillies.com and saw that the day game ended in an 8-7 victory for the bad guys, you immediately thought that it must have been some mistake.

3. ANGER
During this stage, you might say, “Why us?!?! Like I said last stage, ‘We’re WFC!’ They’re nobodies! Halladay didn’t even pitch against us!” That’s often followed by you breaking your 2008 Philadelphia Phillies Word Champion Mug or throwing your signed Cole Hamels 2008 World Series ball against the wall in disgust. You may feel like you want to kill Rod Barajas or Scott Rolen for killing the team both when they played for us and when they play against us. This is the stage I will be in for most of the day as your guest blogger.

4. DEPRESSION
Today, you’ll probably be back and forth between anger and depression. During the stage of depression, you feel like the Phillies have no chance to win the division and will be on a downhill slide for the rest of the season, even getting so low that they lose 2 of 3 to the Nationals. In severe cases, depending on how die-hard you are, thoughts of suicide may arise. You probably don’t want to go to work, because you think everyone will mock you about the series, whether or not they actually will.

5. ACCEPTANCE
The final stage, in which you come to terms with the fact they were swept. You accept that they can’t play at home or during interleague play. Simply, they suck right now. Like Amaro said when he was in the booth yesterday, “They’re a good team playing bad baseball.” You just hope that this poor play won’t continue against the Orioles, the Nationals of the American League, when they come to town tonight. *

For more of  Max Gallner’s work, visit his blog, Usualy Useless or check out his national posts at In Game Now.

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3 Comments

Filed under Editorial

3 responses to “Gallner: The 5 stages of home sweeps by crappy Canadian teams

  1. harryandwhitey

    Max, thats great!!!!!

  2. Max

    Thanks! I was trying to think of something different to do, and I realized, “I’ve been depressed since they lost, I’ve been angry, and now I think I’m starting to accept. Boom — 5 Stages of Death! But instead, the 5 Stages of Awful Series Against Awful Teams!”
    BTW, Shay, I just noticed a typo. Under Bargaining, I meant to say “normally occurs after Anger…” If you could fix that, that would be great. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but it would make a lot more sense.

  3. Pingback: Yeah, Yeah, I’m Back; Quick Takes: Jrue Holiday « Usually Useless

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